July 11, 2008 ~ The Day My World Stood Still

I can’t believe it’s been a year.  A whole year since my world flipped upside down and round and round.  A whole year of changes…for me, and for my kids, and for my entire family.

The week prior to the “Big Reveal”, I had been having a difficult time with my ex and his wife.  I’m not going to go into specifics here, I have another venue for that story, but it was nasty and I’m not going to rehash bad feelings.  Suffice to say, it was difficult then and it’s better now.  At any rate, I had put up one of those Truth Boxes on my Myspace profile.  You know, the ones that your friends can leave you anonymous messages.  Sounds harmless, no? 

On July 9th, 2008 I received a Truth Box message.  It said the following:

“I believe we met (very briefly) 34 years ago.”

Now, for those of you who have followed my blog for awhile now, I’m adopted.  And I’m 35 years old, 34 years old at the time last year. 

I immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was either my ex, or his wife, being silly and writing the message to get to me.  And I immediately wrote a scathing note on my profile telling the person or persons who had written the anonymous message that it wasn’t a funny joke…that pretending to be my biological mother was disgusting and I couldn’t believe they’d stoop that low.

I heard from my ex almost right away…asking me what the hell was going on and what was written to make me so upset.  I explained..he denied it was him and that he doubted it was his wife.  I told him that I knew for a fact that his wife knew about my adoption…that she’d read my blog, just as I’d read hers.  I still had my feeling that it was her.

Boy, was I wrong.  And publicly, for the record…let me apologize to my ex’s wife and my ex here and now (I know that she still visits this space…he might too, but I don’t know that for sure).  I’m very sorry for believing it was you.  

On July 11, I sat at my desk in my cubicle…and during a quiet moment, checked my Myspace from my phone.  I had a new message.  It began as the following:

Dear Christina,

I have tried to write this letter a thousand times…

I won’t post the rest of it…it’s for my eyes only now…but the letter went on to say that she was sorry for making such a mess of things..that she had a daughter born on June 19, 1974, at Such and Such Hospital, adopted through the XYZ Adoption Agency.

I quickly shut my phone off…and decided to put it out of my head for the moment.  I just couldn’t deal with it at work of all places.  Plus, in my head, I still wasn’t convinced at the time that it wasn’t some cruel joke by my ex or the wife. 

I got home that night and after I tucked the kids into bed and kissed TM goodnight, I settled down in front of my computer and read and reread and read again the letter.  Forever referred to now in my defogged adoptee brain as “First Contact”.  And I responded.  And I explained that she’d need to forgive me for being skeptical..but these are the reasons why I’m skeptical, for better or for worse.  I did confirm that the information she gave me in her first letter was all accurate.  And that if she had any other information that no one else would know, to please include it so I could be sure it wasn’t all a big hoax.

And she came through..the very next day, or maybe even that night..lol.  She had my full name, my adoptive parents’ names, places of birth, mother’s maiden name…she had it all.

So, it began.  My journey of 34 years to find myself and to find peace ended on July 11, 2008.  The new chapter of my adventure has been fraught with uncertainty.  Will I finally be good enough in someone else’s eyes?  (I am)  Will I finally see my features in others’ faces? (I have)  Will I cry when I finally meet my mother?  (I didn’t..lol)  Do I have siblings?  (I do) 

I feel a bit like Alice in Wonderland.  At every twist and turn along the path to today, I’ve met with the most extreme emotions imaginable.  And each one corresponds to a character in her story.  The Cheshire Cat is me at my most happiest…the smile I had during the first dinner I spent with my mother and sister was priceless.  The Mad Hatter is me during the crazy times..when I feel like the world is passing me by at the speed of light but I’m not quite on the same wavelength as the rest of the world.  The Queen is me when I’m at my angriest.  Because yes, dear reader, I have been angry.  So angry that I have thrown things across the room when I’m alone.  Mad that I missed out on 34 years with my family…and mad that I have those feelings…sigh.

I’m not going to proofread this post before I hit publish..and that’s highly unlike me.  I hate typos and try to avoid them at all costs…but here I am.  In all my post-reunion glory.  I’m a work in progress…I’ll never be perfect..but at least I can finally say, I’m me…

A very colorful calico cricket.